Lived Experience Forum

[melq83]

today i had someone say to me " one day everything will be normal for you again" 

While at that time it sounded good to hear , i then walked away thinking about it.. 

What is normal for me? 

If i go by these last 6 yrs normal has been having 2 different minds control me more than it ever had before and me thinking that hearing another u in your head was something everyone had but no one talked about,  normal was thinking i was sick and dying from something that turns out i didnt even have. Normal was having 100's of friends and family that i could call or text and see whenever possible... But since finding out that my "normal" was no where near what people would call "normal" has come out i've lost that me... Dont get me wrong, part of me is glad that i am free from hiding that part of me, but since it has all come to surface its like theres another me. 

This new me is always watching her back, she doesnt sleep alot, she struggles to get out of bed everyday, she has no job, and very little friends and maybe only a hand full of family that talk to her.she isnt that confident well spoken person that im used to and its really hard to understand this new me... 

I miss so many people that were in my life, but i dont blame them for turning away from me, most dont even understand whats really going on with me to be able to even try know why what has happened did happen.. I wish i could change so many things, but i cant, all i can do is try to help me be better. i wish those i cant talk to or see could see this and know that im sorry for that has happened, but it was something i could not control. i wish they knew the pain i feel every single day and night and how much i wish i could change it all, but sadly i cant.... 

there is no such as normal for me, i just hope that one day i find what it is really like.. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @melq83 im sorry you’re struggling. I struggle to find what “normal “ is for me. 8 yrs ago my life changed forever. It was turned upside down. Depression cane anxiety BPD as a result from childhood abuse. I was just thinking the same question yesterday. Whst is normal?

i don’t even know. Will my life ever be normal again? I have no idea. I have been so consumed by my last 8 yrs that I can’t even remember what my life was like before that. 

I hope others on here can give some more helpful answer than me. Sorry 

take care xx

[Queenie]

Gosh @melq83, your post really resonated with me, as it is something I can relate to.

Normal used to be socialising on weekends with a myriad of friends and family. It was working in a job I loved and living in the house with the picket fence in the suburbs. Not anymore. Since 2006, I have lived life walking a very fine line between what is real and what is only in my nightmare of a mind. I don't work. I don't have family and what few friends I still have refuse to socialise with me. Yes, I have my Mrs (and I am eternally thankful for that), but she is seen as my carer, which implies I am 'sick' or that I am some sort of 'invalid'. The normal that I once had has long gone.

I say to you however, don't give up! I've discovered a new normal for me. I am studying to become the best darn mental health worker I can possibly be, having empathy that I never used to have. Once I was frightened of all things psychiatric, after watching my Mother as a patient in a unit and see other, sometimes extremely vulnerable patients. I was a small child then and now, being thrust into that world myself, I am still frightened at times (but this time at how much the system lets us down). I make my normal my routine, I believe it is important to have one and find those who are worthy of your time and make you feel likewise worthy. Invest wisely in moments like that.

After all the only true place you find normal, is on a washing machine setting.

[melq83]

@BlueBaythank you for your reply! Yes it seems to be a real struggle for me today for im guessing the reason of me over thinking everything! 

Its just so hard that people think my actions were out of spite and attention when it was far from all that! 

@Queeniethank you for your words of wisdom...

i to am lucky to still have my partner by my side, sadly he has lost most of his family and friends becuse of my actions also. Your right though, i do need to find a new normal for me and us as a family. its just really hard when i think of those who i have hurt that i was once very close to, it makes it harder that some of them i am not allowed to contact at the moment either till everything is finished at court. 

My kids also struggle with all this change, from me being different to them losing friends aswell. i just wish i could take all this pain and hurt away 

[Margot]

Great question @melq83

"Normal" is a tricky concept to grasp and as @BlueBay mentioned too, our idea of "normal" can change over time. We change as the context of our lives change, and sometimes I wonder whether instead of  asking, "what is normal?", we might ask ourselves, "in light of the context of my life right now, what would I like my normal to look like?" That subtle change in language can sometims help us to let go of ideas about how our lives should be compared to past selves or the lives of other people, and instead allows us to focus on what we'd like our lives to look like for now. Routine is a really good way of cultivating a new kind of normal @Queenie

[greenpea]

How does the old adage of 'Truth is stranger than fiction'. That is one hell of a title for this mother of  3 but that is what has happened to me. My safety is that I have a mental illness and two dysfunctional children. One with major disabilities and the other not so but still unable to work. My third is overseas thankfully away from all of the madness.

It all started some 8 years ago when my heavily disabled son became very sick with schizophrenia and very violent. We (my husband and I had the local police on speed dial) as my son raged with hormonal anger. I could feel my sweet, caring family fall apart around me.

That is when I started to run. I ran, and ran it helped get rid of the tension and stress but little did I know that I was gaining attention from shadowy figures. Little did I know I was becoming sick.... 

This part I am not too sure of and as a part of my mental illness it is vague and hard to define. My psychiatrist says it is because of my trauma during those years and months that my memory of it is like the tide coming in and out. I know it is very hard to verbalise.let alone understand. All I know is something really bad happened and I was in hell. I remember one night when I was alone in the kitchen and all these voices started screaming at me from all around the room. I desperately looked around trying to find the microphones thinking my house was bugged. Lasted minutes but will remember it for a lifetime.

My marriage failed, I became a skeletal mess covered with self harmed all over my body and yet no one put me in hospital ... I do have residual anger towards those close around me.... I should have been I was certifiable by this stage if not months before hand.   Whilst my mental illness was raging in my body and mind I was being abused by those who should know better.

Let me say that I am no angel.I have both said and done things that I regret and wish I could take back. But I am no dark angel or she wolf either I am just a mother of 3 children who has found herself in a unenviable situation as 'the one who has pissed the bikies off'.