Hey @AuntGlow
It's been a nightmare 24 hours.
Went out Saturday to a music event, caught glimpse of my ex there.
I don't know if I shared in a previous post, but during my hospital admission, it became very apparent to me how she is not my person.
She is the core wound template of my mother.
Not attuned, righteous, grandiose, can't see anything beyond her scope of understanding, never supported me the way I needed.
She wanted me to deal with my trauma on my own and only bring the masculine to the relationship.
Avoidant attachment and easily compartmentalised me from partner to friend without blinking. I was blinded by her confidence and bought into her spirtuality.
She never asked me about evidence based therapy, how DBT was going, her response to trauma was hallucinogenics. Referring me to retreats of the nature, mediums, "healers".
Anyway, she ambushed me at home yesterday. I've had her blocked for a while now.
She used the excuse that she was returning some of my items, which I promptly threw in the bin. I had to keep my fortress up and what I witnessed was a look of confusion. I shared every truth that I had been too scared to share. Her rebuttals were weak at best. Manipulative ego driven responses delivered in a tone of warmth and care. No wonder I trauma bonded so strongly.
She did the typical bringing up the good times.
She did not even ask about me.
Platitudes of "I just want you to be happy".
Didn't even touch on my hospital or any of the crisis I've been dealing with.
Long story short, I made it clear that I did not want her in my life, that she was "dangerous to me".
I had to stay cold. Not mean, but cold, and I hated that so much because it's not how I wish to be. I had to protect my peace.
I refused a hug as we parted, despite wanting it so badly, because I knew the energy exchange had the power to crumble me.
Today I've been looping about that exchange. Her body language, I had never seen her look so defeated. Like she couldn't make sense of it.
She proclaimed to me many times that she is an "ascended master teacher".
What rubbish.
So yeah, I had that encounter just to bring everything to red raw again.
I have such little capacity for work, mental exhaustion, the weather taking it out of me (it's still 40+ degrees at 745pm).
HOPE are amazing... I have, well, had 3x people allocated to me.
Sadly, one won't be able to support me moving forward.
They will have me work their OT and nutritionist during the 3 months engagement.
They also have a psychiatrist which I can request access to. I don't feel that this will benefit me. I've seen many over the years and the outcome is always the same - meds won't help me.
You can check in whenever you want. I don't have any expectation.
I'm just surviving, new painful memories of having to push someone away who I really cared about, and was also a main part of my hurt. I have not had anyone, other than my mother, make me feel so, small, diminish anything that was important to me, throw empty words at me, not show up unless I explicitly asked for it - knowing I needed support. The narcissism...masked as spiritual guidance. A wolf in sheep's clothing.
So yeah, from one fire to another.
Through this, the 2 friends who have provided deep, attuned support, I have learnt what support looks like.
I don't do superficial friendships. There is depth, or there is nothing.
