Am Not Coping

[Zoe7]

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope Just trying to stay off the radar a bit at the moment though. I need the support at the moment but don't feel like I deserve it so am not going to ask for it from anyone - just chatting here to @utopia is keeping my head above water. 

I hope your flu improves soon and you are very welcome to skim through and interject as and when you want to. Thanks for being in the background - and offering your support - it is really hard being here but I really need it more than ever now xxx

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I don't think your gp would see it as a failure. I think she would see that you were doing well. But things just became too much all at once - so maybe a new plan might need to be hatched - for future prevention.
And you do have your gp and psychologists ph nbrs. It's a case of using them when you need too.
Are you worried your gp may say it's time for hospital or a change of meds? Or are you worried she will be disappointed in you? I'm just throwing these questions out there. It doesn't mean I think that. Or that your gp will. I'm just trying to see what else might be stopping you from calling them.
It is normally fear - is that right for you?
I was in a very dark place in April/May of last year. Depression vortex had sucked me so low. Suicidal thoughts and images were so violent. Never experienced that intensity before. It was truly frightening.
And I'd tried to get better before. There were times I thought I was better. Only to crash back into my depression. But at the time - I couldn't see that my life would ever improve.
But it has. A lot of crying and hard work. And yelling and being angry and feeling new emotions.
Trying to label the emotions was a hard thing for me.
I fould label sadness - anger - frustration - happiness (note that I felt it often).
It did take a long time.
but biy I feel so much better now.
You're probably thinking - don't tell me - I've heatd this shit before - yay great for you - you're better - I still feel shit and can't see that changing.
But it does. You opened your heart and let yourself be vulnerable with another person. That takes huge guts.
It hasn't gone as you expected / hoped. That hurts. Really hurts. But remember - you did open up. And you did share. And you saw your friends true worth - her true self - and you showed her yours.
That is a truly wonderful gift to give some body.
It justvmay be a gift she is not avle to accept at the moment - until she has learnt to accept her own gift of love.

[utopia]

I'm glad you are around @Faith-and-Hope. I hope you look after yourself withvthis flu. More looking after self. Let wh's family look after him a bit.
@Zoe7. I know I am not responsible for what happened to my friend. And yes my sorry and my feelings need to be carefully checked with / against his.
I guess I'm not convinced he is as okay as he says. I guess I'd like to help.
As to anything else - who knows. The reality is - I don't know him that well.

[Zoe7]

@utopia I think everything you said is spot on. 

I believed that I had finally broken a lifetime of solitude and had infact formed a relationship with someone that not only did I care about but could share ME with. I never once felt uncomfortable or remorseful about anything I told her and also never felt any different about her when she shared parts of herself with me. The admiration I felt for her infact grew with every little bit of herself she revealed. I think I believed more in her - in her strength, in her courage and in her resilience - than she did in herself.I do really hope she sees all these things in herself one day - because she is a truly amazing and compassionate person. 

I have had periodsin my life that have been ok - but it seems that everytime something good starts to happen I come crashing down with a massive knock. I have tried to forge some kind of life - mainly through work - but I have always seemed to be barely keeping afloat. 

My GP described exactly what I had been feeling several months ago just the other day. She recognised that just before I got so sick that I was struggling to keep my head above water and as a result of me becoming so ill I began to sink quickly - that is exactly the way it felt. I could feel it coming but by that time it was too late - I was going under too quickly and I was too ill to pull myself back up. 

I really don't know how I am going to go back to work. The job is too hard and too stressful at the best of times - but I need to work to pay for the house etc. I can't NOT work - this has only just added to my worries. I don't think I'm well enough to return - but I can't pay for the things that I need if I don't!

In regard to my GP and psych - I know there reaction will be to want me to go to hospital - and I have resisted and resisted that for months - I don't feel comfortable being around people I don't know - it would infact add to my stress and anxiety. The meds I an on know have worked better than any I have had before. The other night I just made a decision to stop allthe pain, stress, anxiety and constant flashbacks and thoughts in my head - yes it may have been the easy way out - but for me - it was the only way out at the time. It is something that I think about everyday in some form or another and this I have been doing for many years. I only have two regrets - 1. I failed, and 2. I caused others pain and am still around to witness that.I will always feel guilty and ashamed for putting others through that!

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I don't think suicide is the easy way out. Or the hardest.
Suicide is normally contemplated after a lot of suffering and a lot of thinking.
Unfortunately - it also coincides with our depression, fear, tiredness & our negative constant self talk.
No suicide isn't easy. Fighting to stay isn't easy either. I understand that.
But like me - you have had periods where life is calm - or calmer. Where you can see the 'light' of someone's soul. Where you can pushyyourself at work. Where you can reach out and try new things.
That's what I hold onto. That's what I try to focus on - as much as I can. Not always easy to do.
The way you write about your friend. It's beautiful and from the heart.
Even though at the moment she is not strong enough to stay around and continue talking with you - I bet she would say a lot of the same things about you.
That she can see YOUR strength YOUR courage YOUR resilience YOUR light YOUR compassion!!!
Don't you think so? Honestly. Deep down. I'm sure she would have said these things about you.
The pattern - of descent that you described. Was there a point where you could have called your gp or psychologist - even if it didn't stop the descent - could it have made the landing, softer, safer?

[utopia]

@Zoe7. The admiration that you felt for your friend. That grew a little mire - every time she shared something new about herself - that I so understand.
You have perfectly written how I felt when my old friend would share some of his old and new stories about his journey.
That is exactly how I feel.
When I would read what he had written - I would smile along with his good news. I would feel pain and cry at his hardships. It was easy to feel ..... everything I guess.

[Zoe7]

@utopia I haven't seen a psychologist for many years until this latest one. We tried for nearly three weeks to get me in to see someone and the one I am seeing now was not even on the list of people my GP was trying to get me in to. We really did get lucky. She could fit me in the next day - and it is her practice. i instantly felt safe and comfortable with her and I know I have come along way but there is still so far to go. I am struggling with the sessions and the aftermath and then the anxiety of going back knowing what is to come. I do know that in the long run I will benefit from what she is putting me through but at the moment it is just so hard to deal with. I try to see my GP after each psych session because she really helps me calm down but that is not always possible on the same day.So I struggle with everything until I see her. I suppose I felt like my 'security blanket' was not there when I really needed her (she doesn't work on Tuesdays and I didn't want to call her on her day off) and when she wasn't at work today I just felt even more lost. 

I find it incredibly difficult trusting anyone  and my fear of being hurt again and again is so entrenched that to let anyone in is really a miracle. I suppose that is why I am hurting so much. I truly never believed that I would get to the point I did with my friend - even more than I have with my psych and even my GP. 

I am also finding it so hard because I have always put everyone else's wellbeing before mine and I really do find it quite easy to support others and not give away much of myself. That is yet another reason I am feeling like I am here. I don't believe I can now support anyone else as I have done something that is irrepairable and what I say or do can't be trusted. 

When I did start to go downhill I saw my GP and told her I was not coping. She had only been my GP since I became ill. My previous GP of over 20 years was actually away sick at the time so I saw anyone availabel - again got REALLY lucky. She moved to a new practice a couple of weeks later so there was a period of two weeks where she was not available. In that time I went downhill quickly. She could see as soon as I walked in that I was not well at all and it soon became apparent that not only was I physically very unwell still but mentally I had nearly crashed completely. This is when she made constant phone calls to psychs to try and find someone to help.  She didn't give up and made several referrals - all of which then said it would take minimum two or three weeks to fit me in. 

[Zoe7]

@Faith-and-Hope any pearls of wisdom that I so admire from you that you would like to add in to our discussion here? You write so eloquently and truthfully,and with such wisdom, that any input would be greatly valued!

[utopia]

You did get really lucky with finding both your gp and your psychologist @Zoe7.
But maybe we shouldn't look at it as luck. Maybe we could look at it - as it was your turn to get the best. That you deserved these 2 professionals to come into your life at that precise time.
I'll keep telling you this - until it sinks into your brain - but there is nothing you did that is irreparable here. You didn't cause us to react how we did. That is on each of us.
I was struggling with anxiety for a few days and then trying to prevent a panic attack from hitting me - that evening.
I was already wound up tight. Your post and goodbye - was something that I could focus on. Put my energy into. I was all over the place in my head. I was frustrated by the limitations of this forum. I still am.
You gave me something to fight for. And I'm still going to ask niknik for some changes here.
Other than me staying awake a little longer that night - I own the rest of how I felt.
And we have many incidents here on the forum of members self harming or saying they are leaving. Or dissapearing. Ivguess it's the nature of our MI's and this forum. But that's why we are here.
That's why this place is so good for us. We form friendships - families - support. We have big ups and downs. And everyone looks after everyone.
Shit. On Tuesday - I made comnents about the osych review from workcover making insinuations that I was Manic. and then I made some terrible derogatory remarks here. Shit. That's a grsat way to offend people.
But I was beyond angry at the time & I wasn't thinking clearly.
Ivdi post an appology the next day.
But that's what I mean. None of us are perfect. We do and say things that might hurt others. We don't mean to. But sometimes we don't think and sometimes we just need to spurt out what we are thinking - feeling.
So you have not done anything irreversible. In fact - I think you made a lot of us closer - especially with expressing love and care for each other.
You will see that - when you are able to read all the posts.

[Zoe7]

@utopia yep - maybe it was just my turn. I was so taken aback after my third session with the psych that she wrote down her number and handed it to me. I thought that was crossing a line but then my GP did the same thing just before christmas - she didn't want me to be alone without any support while she was on leave.  i didn't think I would ever use either number but then she messaged me on christmas day and regularly while she was on leave. I still think it is crossing a line - but to be honest - I don't care - because I do know she does care. My psych drove me to the grade 6 leaver's dinner because it was too close to where I used to live (and the anxiety I felt because of it) and she didn't want me to miss out on saying goodbye to the kids. So YES - two wonderful supports that have certainly gone above and beyond their job descriptions for me. So I suppose I can say that they must see something that I can't and that I am worth the extra effort - is that what you want me to see and believe my friend?

In time I may be able to read all the posts and forgive myself - but that is something that I really need to deal with and figure out for myself. I think there were a few things said by a few people the day before that really prevented me from actually reaching out on here and then some remarks that I did read that at the time hit really hard. I know they were in the moment and people were hurt or frustrated but I took them extremely hard. That's for me todeal with and get over in time. I am just grateful to have you (and a few others) around that I can reach out to at the moment - it really is helping xxx