Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

@Zoe7 you are such a beautiful caring person.  To be in a bad place like you have been and yet you still are coming on here and trying to help @utopia.  You are an amazing person. Such a caring soul xxxooo

[Zoe7]

@utopia I am starting to believe that THE NEED that you, and I, both have is not because we want to know the ins and outs of someone else's life - we just feel the connection, the love, the trust so passionately and fully that we want them to be able to share in our wonderful feelings and believe in a mutual respect, mutual and unwavering trust and a shared compassion for each other and the life that could be with each other in it. I don't believe this will be the case in my circumstance (I want to hold out hope but I don't think that is realistic) but I really hope it will be the case for you. Whatever comes - here with you when I can be - walking with you at other times.

Hugs to you to my friend - enjoy meditating but don't meditate near an ant's nest LOL

[Shaz51]

Hi @BlueBay I also really liked @Zoe7 & @utopia 's discussion aout friendship. -- I agree totally @Appleblossom xx

Hello @Happyness, @Zoe7 

[Zoe7]

Hi @Shaz51 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Zoe7

It is soooo lovely to see your butterfly around again xx

you are a wonderful, caring friend xx

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I played a beautiful ap and sat and breathed and meditated. I didn't sit near any ants. Lol. I chose to sit in my room.
I eventually layed down (sore back) and continued.
Green was my starting colour. Soothing centering green. But I could see sparkling gold on the edges. I let the green go & the gold light was right above my head & then draping over my whole body.
It's simply about pure love.
Not a romantic love.
Not a friendly love.
But a pure, no limits love.
Yes I like what you wrote. Love without judgements or conditions.
I fell asleep for the last 15 minutes - although I could still hear the ap in my head.
When I woke. I thought - well, I didn't 'see' anything. I didn't get anything.
I was a bit dissaoointed.
But then I started chopping and grating vegies and getting the Chow Mien started. (Oh it's smelling good).
While I was doing that - it hit me.
I will survive.
If he calls and wants to talk - that would be so wonderful. I'd really appreciate that.
If he doesn't call - it will hurt. And maybe that has to be part of my lesson.
But I'll survive if this happens. I'll post about it from time to time. I'll cry. I'll hurt. I'll wonder why. Exactly as I have been doing for the past month.
But I'll still survive. Still work and read and meditate and learn and keep moving forward. Because I can.
You asked if there was a way that I could connect with my friend, but still keep myself protected.
The answer is NO. Definitely not.
The beauty, as you know of this type of love, of this type of friendship, is that I need to be truly open and honest.
That means being vulnerable. I think you need to be fully vulnerable - if you are to experience this type of pure love - this type of friendship.
It's what makes it so special. So different from other friendships. It's also why it can be so painful.
I think the decision is - can you continue to be open and honest and vulnerable & be willing to accept that pain may be a part of it also.
I believe I can.
♥♥♥♥♥

[utopia]

@Zoe7. I think the word I was struggling to get out - was agendas.
A pure love. A pure friendship - without any agendas.

[Zoe7]

Yep @utopia a pure, no limits love - I think you have it spot on there 

I wholeheartedly agree with your comments about being totally vulnerable.You can only experience the joy and happiness that this type of friendship brings with it if you actually place yourself on the line for that person and yourself also - ALL IN!!

Yes it can also bring the deepest of pain and the greatest of losses but to have felt that kind of love for a friend - unconditionally and without any agendas is truly a blessing. 

I really hope that in your situation the outcome is a good one - I know you have been hurting intensely also and I want that to stop for you. I believe you can move forward under any circumstance because you have carefully thought about almost every scenario possible and your answer is still the same - nothing will change how you feel about your friend - it's just the feelings you have inside that may fluctuate according to the responses (or lack of them). 

And you will survive - maybe with a small piece of your heart missing but also maybe with it growing even bigger. Whatever the outcome you know I understand and I will share in your joy or help you navigate your way through any disappointment.

Here with you on this journey 

[utopia]

@Zoe7. My pain is not continuous. Because I still try and keep myself centered and functioning and reenergised, as much as I can.
So there are days when I do not read or want to talk much to others. But as you have discovered, there are also days when I love nothing more than to talk. Lol.
My journey of working through my mental health issues & of rediscovering who I am - what I like - new interests (local aboriginal history and aboriginal sites in my area) - and discarding some of my old intrests - even some friendships (that serve no purpose & have become toxic). This journey, allowed me the time and the willingness to be open. Not just with my old friend - but here on this site, in my community, with my friends.
Maybe I've just reached the age where I think - 'why hide who you are'.
I share my MI with others - without shame or fear. I share my feelings and emotions. I share my good with my bad - my ups and downs.
This is who I am. They can either love me for me - or frankly - they can just piss off.
Now that I'm learning who I am - I don't want to stop this journey. Even when it brings pain. Because ultimately, that's part of life.
So if my old friend is unable or unwilling to reconnect - so be it. I will hurt. But I'll survive and move past it.
But at least I will know that I put myself out there and tried again (in a stalkish way) to reach out to him, through his other friends. And that was outside of my normal comfort zone. But again, I did it. I survived.
And to let you know - off topic now - my dinner was a disaster. It smelt good but had almost no fkavour. So I just smothered it in salt. My arteries can deal with it later.
Don't think my son wilk go back for seconds. Good thing he ate a big meal at China Town for lunch.
Do you have any plans tonight? Any good movies or comedies on tv where you are? Maybe a relaxing bath and soothing music. Or crank up some Aussie rock and dance around your lounge room. Is so much fun when you know no one can see you.

[Zoe7]

@utopia shame about your dinner - sounded appetising - oh well - salt to the rescue!!!

I know you are well in advance of me in relation to how you interact with people and simply live your life. 

For me - disclosing anything about either my mental or physical state to those around me is too much. There are so many variables at play that I just can't deal with it. I find it hard enough with my GP and psychologist. I try to keep any emotions or feelings to myself but this often comes at the cost of my health. 

I've got the cricket on atm - sound off again - still not coping with noise. It's starting to get dark out and nights are the hardest for me. I am feeling exhausted tonight, have a headache and don't feel great. Maybe the last week has finally caught up to me - and I'm starting to feel again. This scares me a little bit but I am nowhere near as low as I was the other night. I was starting to feel like this last night but you and @Faith-and-Hope got me over the major bump. I'm not tired which is a major problem because I know I can't just sleep - wish I could but know I won't and in this state will definitely have nightmares.  Sorry for laying this all on you tonight - just needed to get it out more than anything.