rough time

[Snowie]

@outlanderI am guessing by avoiding the question that not everything is ok. As always I am here if you need to talk or we can just sit 

[outlander]

its i dont know @Snowie everything. nothings really changed. i felt very brushed off by my gp and rushed today. took alot to even get her to let me get a blood test done. she didnt want to give me that for allergy testing etc but talked her into it. then basically passed out while getting bloods done. the first vein only got half a tube not even that- im usually ok if they get it first go but they had to use 3 different veins to get the amount they needed and they used a rather big needle- bigger than they ususally have to use. so once she said she had to do it on the opposite arm went even more white so ended up laying down while they done the other 2 goes. they closed the door to where i was and got other people in the other room so they could keep the line moving. 

shes not touching my meds for another month yet, doesnt think i need to see her weekly even though the psychiatrist said it would be a good idea and she said ' i think your doing well what do you think; and i said no i dont think im doing well at all. obvisouly didnt get the point across. told her about the trauma therapy and she didnt have much to say about that either. 

she checked the xrays and itll be another 3 weeks in this splint before moving onto the next stage of splinting/taping. 

pops got the drs on monday for his flu shot and finally has accepted help for one of his ailments which is his ankle. but hes getting a cold by the sounds of it as well and the cold always gets to him. im showing signs of a cold which im hoping wont keep progressing. 

still havent really slept but i guess thats nothing new there. gp wont do sleepers and neither will the psychiatrsit. 

i feel asking for help is getting rather pointless, feeling very unworthy of it and like i have to go it alone. a waste of air and resources. 

sorry.. i guess maybe it not 'ok i guess' 

[Snowie]

@outlanderdon't be sorry hun, it seems like you needed to get it out and I today I can give you that support. Firstly, I am glad your pop has accepted help. Hopefully you are not getting a cold...perhaps some sort of oil might help....not sure on that, might have to look it up.

Your Gp sounds very harsh and not taking your welfare into account which concerns me. I can understand the feeling you have around this. Perhaps it is a good time to search for a new GP, one more in tune with mental health. 

As much as you might feel unworthy, that is so not the case. You are worth it sweetie 

[Sans911]

Asking for help is never pointless @outlander, and you can continue to ask for help here for as long as you need.

You are definitely not a waste of air or resources. If anything you don't have enough resources to help you cope. And although your depression is telling you that you're not worthy, you are. You are worth my time, my help, my energy and most definitely my love for you. I have endless time for you (well, when not sleeping or doing other things). I have endless patience for you. I have unlimited and unconditional love for you. You never have to doubt your worth with me. Although that might not be so helpful in rl, you are as real to me as anyone I know. Hugs my angel.

Evening @Snowie

[Snowie]

Evening @Sans911 

[Snowie]

@outlanderI agree with what @Sans911 has written. So eloquently as always Sans.

I wish I could stay but have already taken meds so brain going a bit foggy. I hope you get some sleep sweetie. You are always in my thoughts and always sitting next to you 

[outlander]

What have i done to deserve you guys. You are making me teary but i dont even have the energy for that 😞 at least they would be god tears.

@Snowie my pop is one of my biggest concerns so to know hes let me make am appt has taken abit of the pressure off abit. He likes his gp so i hope his wont let him down or can offer aome sort of practical advice. I wouldnt be surprised if i get sick. Also told her of my kidney pain and she brushed that off even though i said the last one took 3 rounds of abx to fix because i didnt catch it early. Ok ill put it on the bloods. At leas thats something. I dont see her for another 2 weeks now. She doesnt even want to see me fortnightly even though i said it might be a good idea. I honestly dont want to keep trying anymore. Maybe if i stop trting things will fall into place on their own.

@Sans911 i know i can ask for help here and you guys have helped me more in this past yr and abit than any professional has. I dont take pleasure in asking for help and i know you guys understand how hard it is to ask for help or want to ask when constantly being shut down. And yes it is helpful in rl because you arent some random robot to me either. You are a person with so many qualities and i would be lucky to be able to meet u or snowie or a few others here. I feel very priviledged to have the support from my forum family. Im forever thinking about yous offline and imagining you are with me and that helps.

I just dont know what ive done to deserve you all because i dont feel that way at all. Im so lost in what to do and i dont even know if i want to keep trying anymore.

[outlander]

Goodnight @Snowie 💜

[Sans911]

You don't need to do anything to be 'deserved' @outlander. I like you because you are you. Because I see qualities in you that I possessed at the same age. Because I see other qualities in you of compassion, kindness, caring, fun, creativity and so much more that I genuinely like a lot.

I understand the feelings of being lost as I'm in that same space. When my pyschologist asked me previously if I had any goals of therapy all I could think of at the time was staying alive. Even now, he asked me today about potential future career paths, and I still don't know. All I know is what I'm doing now is enough, it makes me feel good, and it's bringing purpose and pleasure to my life.

[outlander]

Thank you sis. Just thank you 💜 @Sans911

Can just see your pic now @Snowie they are very cute. Thank you ❤