Lived Experience Forum

[Quilly]

Hullo there brains trust 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Oaktree , @Quilly , @oscbeep 

Yes I am a people pleaser too too much that I forget myself and everyone thinks I am going OK 

[oscbeep]

Oh I feel you on this @Oaktree – this is something I am going to for sure get into some of my own experiences tonight and I would be really interesting to hear your thoughts!

[Quilly]

I am 57 and still experience terror when I express my opinion and then wait for the reply 

How can I calm down? (I do have a psychologist so just brainstorming)

[amber22]

Welcome everyone! 

Let's get started with our first question of the evening, feel free to share your thoughts, opinions, and any questions you may have for our special guest in this thread 🙂

How do you build confidence in speaking up – especially about what your needs are? @oscbeep

[Quilly]

I've heard people say, just jump in and experience it, but I am unable to function properly as I wait for the reply  to an expressed need

[exploring]

I think asking for help from someone who cares to make time to let me feel heard might help.

[Patchworks]

Its difficult to be confident to speak up without feeling like I'm being rude or aggressive. I try to be assertive but I'm not sure I come across well all the time. Practise helps.

[oscbeep]

Thanks 

A few things come to mind that have really helped me:

• Practice accepting that having needs is ok! We live in a society that can work hard to condition us to believe that having needs is being needy- or worse- being too much! The more I practice thinking about myself as a human being that needs certain things to survive and thrive, the closer I move towards actually being able to embrace what I need.    
• Knowing what your rights are can really create a solid foundation of confidence! We can be talking about consumer rights when accessing care and treatment or even thinking about what our fundamental human rights are when it comes to safety and security in relationships- with the understanding from this knowledge can challenge how we think about our needs.
• Building confidence is really hard and it can take work- especially when we exist in a world that can profit off our isolation and insecurity! When I began to learn about some of the reason why insecurities can call the shots and self-esteem is actually radical- I was able to start to give myself some grace- I wasn’t just ‘my fault’ that I wasn’t confident. The game was rigged against me. When I started to explore that there is this undercurrent of the “profitability” of insecurities in society (just think about the “wellness” industry)- something clicked and I started to understand that confidence wasn’t this passive thing that I could just have- It is a fight against how we are conditioned to move through a capitalist society.

So I have found that putting my values into action (and sometimes pushing back) is the most empowering thing I can do to feel confident within myself. Action can take so many different forms for me- caring about community, valuing honesty, practicing allyship…. There are so many things that I value- and when I choose to act in accordance with what I choose to value- that feels good.

[TideisTurning]

Great questions @Oaktree @Quilly! These points will be covered through the discussion- stay tuned!